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Wednesday, May 05, 2010

WIP Wednesday - Chopping Away

Haven't been writing. But have dove right in to editing "Sealed With Anguish". As I re-read it for the trillionth time, I started to see where the "whimsical" comment came from. It sort of does read like something out of the Wizard of Oz which wasn't my intentions.

The vampire merchant with a heart-of-gold (or lack there of) has been turned to someone a bit more resentful. Ghosts are in the White House, ruling the world. Cannibals are on the verge of being on dinner plates themselves. The merchant's wife was given a none speaking part. The rest will be fairly the same. A little excerpt for you fine people:

Before:

As the two men discussed the usual neighborhood gossip, Sonja disappeared in to the storeroom. “I did hear about the new member of our community,” Declan confirmed. “Just because he chooses not to attend our annual block party doesn’t mean he hates us. Maybe he has a good reason. I mean, is it really our place to force newcomers to participate in our activities if they don’t want to?”

“My, my Declan. You are getting soft in your old age. I do not agree with having THOSE kinds of people in our neighborhood but as long as we are allowing them to be here, they could at least be hospitable.”

“Those kinds of people? They’re not the most sanitized bunch but werewolves are hardly troublemakers,” he said.

“You must be joking. Howling all hours of the night, shedding their fur everywhere and that is not even the worst of it,” Mr. Nos said. “Our neighborhood would be better off without THOSE people.”

“Oh, I’m certain there’s a lot of exaggeration in all of that talk, Mr. Nos. People will speculate, don’t you agree?”

“Speculate about what?” Mrs. Adaire asked, placing the item on the counter.

After:

Declan rolled his eyes, washing away his suggestion. "I heard about the new members of our community," he said, changing the subject. "I don't know why everyone is so worked up about it. Just because they choose not to attend our annual block party doesn't mean they hate us. Maybe they have a good reason."

"My, my Declan. You are getting soft in your old age. Having THOSE kinds of people in our neighborhood brings down property values but as long as we are allowing them to live here, they could at lease show their appreciation."

"THOSE kinds of people? I agree they're not the most sanitary bunch but werewolves are hardly troublemakers," he said, kicking himself for even bringing up the subject.

"Is that mockery I hear? They howl throughout the twilight, their fur coats every surface and lets not forget their destructive nature," Mr. Nos said, anger singed each word. "Our neighborhood would be better off without THOSE ghastly things."

Declan admired his talent for spewing his disgust. One taste increased one's chances of being infected. Yet Declan continued to encourage the manic. On good days, he found himself humored by talks of flaking paint and loud children. However, not much made him smile anymore. "I can't believe you to be so gullible to buy in to all the rumors. We don't know anything about them to pass such judgment."

Better? Worse? Approximately the same?

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